Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption

Actually, it was during this time that I was seeing more and more things about him and his lifestyle that should have sent me running for the hills rather than his arms. By now, he was a full-fledged drug dealer, which meant he only went to school part-time. He was still calling me every day and telling me that he loved me, but the frequency was getting to be less, and the high-pitched voices I overheard in the background were becoming more. Because he was making more of his own money—and lots of it, there was less of a need for mine, so we didn’t see each other as much, although he would make stops by my house at least once a week while either heading to or coming from a drop off. Soon his fast-faced way of life caught up to him, and he got arrested. As a matter of fact, David was in a group home when I received the news in the form of a pink plus sign.

I sat on the toilet for what seemed like forever talking to myself. “Pregnant. I’m pregnant? What the heck am I going to do?” My mother didn’t even know I was having sex, and she definitely didn’t know it was with David. The only encounters she had with him was in passing the phone to me after saying, “Shellie, you need to teach your friends how to speak when they call over here. ‘Can I speak to Shellie’ or ‘Is Shellie there’ isn’t good enough.”

Then I sat in fearing feeling: I am still in school. I don’t have any money. This will just confirm the insulting things my mother said to me even when I was a virgin. I am going to have to face my friends, my school, and my church. My baby’s father is a drug dealer. I’m really pregnant. Oh God, I’m really pregnant.

I decided I would keep all of this information to myself—for now. I knew enough about pregnancy from girls at school to know that there wasn’t too much I could do about it anyway until I was farther along. I had made plans with some of my friends to attend an Independence Day party, and so I got dressed and went.

As much as I tried to ignore it, the words “I’m pregnant” consumed my every thought, my every breath—so much so that when my friend Christopher answered the door, greeted me, and asked how I was, the first thing that came out of my mouth in a low whisper was, “I’m pregnant.” He must’ve thought that the loud noises behind him prevented him from hearing me right.

“I’m sorry. You’re what?”